iliff.co.uk

There once was a man from Barnt Green

Who suffered a wandering spleen

It departed his tum

And fell out his bum

And that is the last it was seen

—Naomi Birmingham 2023

There was an old man of Ardconey

Whose favourite food was baloney

One whiff of his breath

Caused instant death

He had a long life but lonely

—Naomi Ireland 2022

There was a young man of Unst

Who in truth was a bit of a dunce’t

Asked to add 2 plus 2

He hadn’t a clue

He got 27 at least once’t

—Naomi & Mark Unst, Shetland 2019

There’s a village in Orkney called Twat

They keep it secret, that’s flat

No sign to pose

Reflectively picking your nose

And, my dear, what is the point of that?

—Naomi Twat, Orkney 2019

There once was a man of Aberystwyth

Limerick structure would not put up with

It would have been worse

In blank verse

Thank goodness this isn’t a haiku

—Naomi Aberystwyth, Wales 2016

There once was a fellow from Leith

Whose mouth contained only six teeth

He gave a great shout

And they all fell right out

So he rushed off to tell the polithe

—Mark Edinburgh, Scotland 2016

A strapping young Greek called Pericles

Unfortunately injured his testicles

He rubbed them in balm

To undo the harm

‘Cos he didn’t believe in miracles

—Mark 2013

There once was a man of Timbaki

Whose undies were white, blue and khaki

“The thing is,” he said

“When I get into bed

They disappear right up my crahki”

—Naomi & Mark Crete, Greece 2013

There was a young man of Corfu

Who desperately needed a poo

He forgot all the rules

About paper and stools

And ended up blocking the loo

—Mark Corfu, Greece 2012

Armeni’s a fine Cretan town

With an atmosphere all of its own

Then Bob came along

And wrote them this song:

“Armeni roads must a man walk down…”

—Mark Crete, Greece 2010

There once was a woman from Bali¹

With oodles of arms, just like Kali

She could pleasure herself

While dusting a shelf

And riding to work on her Harley

¹in case it makes a difference, that’s Bali (Μπαλι), Crete

—Mark & Naomi Crete, Greece 2010

There once was a man of Glasgoo

Who was feeling quite chilly just noo

He felt so parky

He left for Timbaki

And his wife went to Timbaki too

—Naomi & Mark Crete, Greece 2009