This site is for the Mark & Naomi Iliff family. For Mark’s work persona go to Talespinner

Editor access Iliff-King phrasebook


Switch view: date order

Jump: 0-9 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W Y Z


1-2-3 wash yourself, ducky! exc: I am throwing a handful of wet sand at you 09 Mar >

14155 n: Iliff 16 Apr >

81 exp: Response to “nigh night!” 19 Mar >


a boy is a boy… exp: A callback to the proverb: A boy is a boy; two boys are half a boy; three boys are no boy at all …a commentary on the productivity of boys hired to do work 16 May >

a crow, letting exp: I am pressing lightly on your head with the fingernails of one hand, and am claiming that a crow has settled there in case you should think that I am pressing lightly on your head with the fingernails of one hand 12 Mar >

a kangaroo loose in the top paddick adj: Not wholly in command of events 27 May >

a peach of a boat exp: Literally: A very nice boat. Intended meaning: A fishing boat 05 Mar >

a touch of the don’t-want-to-goes exp: Reluctance to go somewhere 19 Mar >

abratadabra exc: Answer to the question “What’s the magic word?” 30 Mar >

ah-ahs n: Poo 19 Mar >

ahiggit ahugget exp: That person is taking self-deprecation to extremes 16 May >

alec tricity n: Electricity 25 May >

alibaba n: The laundry basket at Greenmantle 27 May >

all of a sudden a big black pudding came floating through the air exc: You are about to be struck during a pillow fight 14 Mar >

American seat n: A merry conceit 27 Feb >

ancestor tea n: The weak tea resulting from topping a pot up with hot water a second or subsequent time 26 May >

anti-cretinous adj: Anti-tetanus 26 May >

any more laid back his bum would fall off exp: Extremely relaxed, perhaps reprehensibly so 26 May >

assumptions make an ass of ump and tions exp: Avoid making assumptions 25 May >

Aunty Mark n: Uncle Mark 25 Mar >


bagaloons n: Capacious knickers 27 Feb >

Basingrad n: Basingstoke 23 Apr >

basking hickory stick n: Lavatory bowl floater 28 Feb >

bat tsch-tsch n: Bathroom cleaner 17 Mar >

bathroom thought n: A thought, had while using the facilities that exits your mind as you exit the smallest room 12 Mar >

be told! exc: Don’t argue! 28 Feb >

Beezlebub n: Mispronunciation of Beelzebub 28 Feb >

bet that’s cooled his biryani down a bit exp: He seems to find that drink refreshing 27 May >

bezz pawk adj: Bespoke 12 May >

big clock n: Thing to be coveted 28 Feb >

Biggles flies undone exp: 1. (Meaningless interjection at any allusion to the fictional character James Bigglesworth, or to any other similarly improbably ept aviator) 2. Your flies are undone 26 May >

bim n: Bowel movement 28 Feb >

BKJ adj: Bright, keen & jolly 24 Feb >

blick auf exp: Wake up! 28 Feb >

blind mullet n: Seaborne bolus 30 Mar >

blop n: Like blob, but ploppier 13 Apr >

bobaligoo n: Boat fender 28 Feb >

body coddler n: Sleeveless puffy coat 20 Mar >

bog n: Dog 12 Mar >

bogflosher n: Drain unblocker 25 May >

bogpaper music n: Homogenised soulless featureless maundering lift music – tear off amount required 19 Mar >

bong n: Person defined by their location, role or relationship 28 Feb >

boom and scrunch n: The parlour game zoom and screech 22 Mar >

bouncealine n: Trampoline 30 Mar >

breathe in, it’s good for you exp: Please cease complaining about this stinky farmyard 26 Feb >

brown katies n: Bronchitis 25 May >

brunty adj: Brunette 30 Mar >

bug rake n: Hair comb 16 Mar >

bum of the flightle bee exp: Flight of the bumblebee, the Rimsky-Korsakov orchestral piece 22 Feb >

bumbag aloo n: Bombay aloo 25 Mar >

bumhug n: Humbug 24 Mar >

bumpity bolliko n: Collision 03 Apr >

bumpity-bolliko adj: Uneven or bumpy (of a road) 07 Apr >


case case case exp: In any case 02 Mar >

cash’n’flash n: Pay-and-display car park 03 Mar >

castrated adj: Decaffeinated (of coffee or tea) 20 Mar >

chained to the oar of a magnificent galley exp: Your humble labours in pursuit of a noble objective do not go unnoticed 16 May >

charge like a wounded bull v: Charge exorbitantly 02 Mar >

chutney n: Lightning 07 Apr >

Cla’am n: Gentrified pronunciation of the London district Clapham 25 May >

clootie n: Left-handed person 05 Mar >

code yellow n: A pee, or going for a pee, or in need of a pee 25 May >

Columbo bladder n: The condition, familiar to some older gentlemen, that causes the bladder to suggest one last squirt when micturition appeared to be complete 25 May >

combine hoover n: Combine harvester 11 Mar >

come to the cookhouse door, boys! exp: The meal is ready 27 May >

contrived delights of LA n: Los Angeles’s theme parks 03 Mar >

cooking fat! exp: By jove, that cat is annoying me 02 Mar >

Coorg’s n: The American beer Coor’s 25 May >

Cornish nasty n: 1) A poorly made Cornish pasty. 2) A Cornish pasty …depending on your point of view 23 Mar >

couldn’t organise a black pudding adj: Scatty, disorganised, bumbling 03 Mar >

cover it over quick, Jemima! exc: You are displaying a little more flesh than you might wish 08 Mar >

crank tea n: Herbal infusion 20 Apr >

cronky donkey n: Decrepit railway train, especially an old DMU 06 Mar >


daddy socks n: A technique of putting on a sock whereby the heel is pulled up through the leg so that the sole can be placed over the foot 30 Mar >

de petits pois n: Two small pears… if your French is as bad as Mark’s was 10 Apr >

dead, and never called me mother exp: General purpose acknowledgement of a tragic circumstance 25 May >

Déjà Vu n: Citroën Deux Chevaux (2CV) 13 Mar >

der dee twiddly, dee twiddly, dee botty-cracks exp: We have reached the end of this book/film/TV series 12 Mar >

dere ’tis! exc: After many hours’ travel towards the seaside, there at last is the actual sea! 19 Mar >

diddle diddle dumpling, mice and John exp: Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John …the nursery rhyme 26 May >

disgusterous adj: Disgusting 21 Mar >

do it self! exc: I firmly decline your offer of help 04 Mar >

don fly! exc: Be gone, flying insect! 21 Mar >

dudu n: Insect or bug 21 Mar >

dumsey-whumnuts adj: Rough, uneven, pitted (of roads) 24 Feb >


elderflosh n: Elderflower cordial 19 Mar >

elephant paper n: Kitchen roll 03 Mar >

elsh n: Elephant dung 08 Mar >

empty sugar bags exp: What couples actually say when they whisper sweet nothings 27 May >

encambula n: Ambulance 30 Mar >

envelote n: Envelope 30 Mar >

epoophany n: A paradigm-shifting thought, reached while sitting upon the throne 12 Mar >

extinguished adj: Distinguished 25 Mar >


fall over blackwards exp: Positive discrimination taken to extremes 16 May >

fart young smeller n: Smart young feller 05 Mar >

fiat lux, a remark attributed to God exp: Let there be light 12 Mar >

Fiddlywaxeye n: Imaginary third person when sharing something out between two people – the person counting out ends up with ⅔ and their good-natured companion with ⅓ 11 Mar >

fire eng truck n: Fire engine 30 Mar >

flappy plate n: Flour tortilla 20 Mar >

flatusphere n: The hazard zone of a flatus 06 Mar >

flopsam & jepsam n: Flotsam & jetsam 03 Mar >

flosh n: With qualifier: fizzy liquid. Without qualifier: elderflosh (qv) 19 Mar >

flutterby n: Butterfly 11 Mar >

fok strongbody adj: Powerful, strong, intense 03 Mar >

forgetty bowl of naise n: Spaghetti bolognaise 29 Mar >

forn prongs n: Travel adapters for electrical plugs 04 Mar >

fox’s puss n: Faux pas 12 Mar >

fraggleflops n: A particular kind of shoe, with very little potential as a weapon, issued to prison inmates 25 May >

fundo-cubital dislocia n: The condition of being unable to distinguish between one’s arse and one’s elbow 25 May >

fustercluck n: A mess resulting from several mistakes compounding each other 11 Mar >


garnsed up adj: 1) In a tangle. 2) Badly soiled 04 Mar >

gee what great looking kids – are they adopted? exp: Intended meaning: Your kids are a lot blonder than you two 30 Mar >

get aht t’road ye silly beggar! exc: Cease obstructing my passage! 27 May >

get off and milk it! exp: I am not very impressed with your vehicle 17 Mar >

get off home with you! exc: Your round of golf is spoiling the view from my window 08 Mar >

Golliwog railway n: The Festiniog (now Ffestiniog) Railway in N Wales 25 May >

good girl, Daddy exp: You have my approval, Father 25 Mar >

good moaning exp: Good morning 25 May >

grabled exnaplation n: Garbled explanation… but garbled 14 Mar >

graunty / gruncle n: Great aunty / Great uncle 25 Mar >

Great Aunt Pottymouth n: Naomi 16 May >

grouse adj: Very good 25 May >

gubby n: Car sporting a GB plate when seen abroad 14 Mar >


have speaks v: Discuss 16 Apr >

Higwi Kombi n: High Wycombe 20 Apr >

hoggry tiglets! exc: My, what a satisfying ending! 14 Mar >

hogwashing hat n: Impromptu sun hat made by drawing up a t-shirt until the neck band sits round the forehead and the remainder covers the neck 03 Mar >

holly bush n: Mythical physical laxative 10 Apr >

home again, home again, jiggedy jog exp: We are finally home! 12 Mar >

honker n: Goose 22 Feb >

hopsital n: Hospital 27 Mar >

Horrible Life n: Herbal Life (now Herbalife), the brand of shampoo & similar products 12 May >

horses’s douvers n: Hors d’oeuvres 19 Mar >

hot will grow cold, if greedy will wait exp: If you had patience then your mouth would not be burning right now 12 Mar >

how awdinawy! exc: Depressingly dull. Disappointingly ordinary 11 Mar >

how’s your belly off for spots? exp: How are you 21 Mar >

humididity n: Humidity 13 Mar >

hyper-bowl n: Hyperbole 17 Mar >

hypodemic nerdle n: Hypodermic needle 05 Mar >


I don’t boil my cabbages twice exp: I decline to repeat the words you failed to listen to properly 04 Mar >

I remember being in Scotland exp: A callback to the song fragment: I remember being in Scotland Shooting peas up a nanny goat’s bottom …to the tune of Men of Harlech 25 May >

I takin’ my sack and my boots exp: I've had enough of this 26 Feb >

I wanna beetroot exc: I really like the look of those toffee apples 07 Mar >

I want to watch me daddy pee exp: (What it says) 15 Mar >

if you get there first, draw a chalk line; if I get there first, I’ll rub it out exp: (Laudable nonsense) 11 Mar >

if you’re up that way with your teeth exp: If you will be going anyway 09 Mar >

Iliff Point n: The remotest part of a beach, where we would go to be away from everyone else (even though it meant lugging everything miles from the car) 03 Mar >

Iliff Wight n: Isle of Wight 03 Mar >

it’s only me Naymee! exp: I am exercising my self-conferred right to enter your house without an invitation 27 Feb >

it’s the water exp: Expression of disdain for mass-market American beers 25 May >

it’s worse than the ticktolleroo exc: A little less fidgeting please 07 Apr >

I’ll have the other half now exp: Perhaps I could be persuaded to a little more beer 19 Mar >

I’ve got my big eating hat on! exp: Settle down, stop this noise/disagreement/kerfuffle 13 Mar >


jam sandwich n: Police car 13 Apr >


knock it on the head exp: A suggestion by Dad’s consultant for dealing with a UTI 16 Mar >

ky-oo Daddy! exc: On second thoughts, Father, I should like to take up your offer to carry me 03 Mar >


lah-pom n: Lavatory 09 Mar >

let my son have the ball! exc: Veiled threat to embarrass an offspring by intervening on their behalf in something they ought to have under control 22 Mar >

Lethal Festival n: The Leith Hill Musical Festival 27 May >

lie like a flatfish v: Tell extreme lies 02 Mar >

listen to the silence! exc: Isn’t it quiet? 19 Mar >

little birdie flying high exp: A callback to this ditty: Little birdie flying high Drops a present from the sky Angry farmer wipes his eye Thanking god that cows don’t fly 12 May >

little teapots have big spouts exp: Let us continue this discussion later, when the children aren’t listening 26 Feb >

loggy sticks n: Logistics 17 Mar >

longhetti n: Spaghetti (see Notes) 08 Mar >

lumps n: Mumps 21 Mar >

lumpy ming fruit n: Beetroot 08 Mar >


make friends in cookhouse exp: Treat support workers with respect 23 Apr >

makes your eyebrows sweat exp: An unexpected consequence of eating blackcurrants 05 Mar >

misery chest n: First aid kit taken on holidays, or medicine cupboard at home 26 May >

mismanglement n: Mismanagement, only more so 14 Mar >

Mount Ararat n: Mount Alvernia hospital, Guildford, which is a long climb from the Epsom road 27 May >

move your lips! exc: Your diction is unsatisfactory 12 Mar >

Muggerborski n: The composer Mussorgsky 03 Mar >

murano adj: Merino 25 Mar >

my back, my belly and my two sides exp: Response to person complaining they feel unwell 12 May >

my word, Hetty exp: A callback to the song fragment: My word, Hetty If I catch you on the jetty I’ll saw your leg off And stick it on with jam In Amsterdam …to a tune that the compilers have yet to identify 25 May >


niggs n: Eggs 30 Mar >

nipple cake n: Cherry bakewell 19 Mar >

no bones in it! exp: Easy, little one, there’s nothing hard to swallow in my milk 27 Apr >

no fun allowed exp: You have tried to do something nice for yourself and the world will not permit it 12 Mar >

no use to man or dog exp: No use to man or beast 14 Mar >

no, it’s just the way I’m breathing exp: Time-honoured answer to the question “Are you coming?” 16 Mar >

Notlob n: Bolton 04 Mar >

noxious weed n: Non-native species 11 Mar >

NQOTD exp: Not quite our type, darling 26 Feb >


oatygoats n: Goats 07 Apr >

obstacular adj: Being an obstacle 12 Mar >

oh bother! exc: Things are not going well 17 Mar >

old bagaloon n: Humourless older woman 06 Mar >

one more shirt will do me exp: Don’t wash or iron me any more shirts as I’m going to drop dead any moment now 12 May >

ontray! exc: Special version of “come in” for room service when in France… because the food comes on a tray 07 Apr >

oomagoolie n: Umami 17 Mar >

op n: Any edible liquid/paste/stew 09 Mar >

osh n: Generic term for sauces, soufflés, jellies, dips, pastes, pickles and other comestibles of a similar consistency 04 Mar >


PAC n: 1) Pissing awful coffee. 2) Pa’s awful coffee …depending on the audience 13 Apr >

pang! exc: Like bang, but clangier 03 Mar >

park-anywheres n: Vehicle hazard warning lights (aka four-way flashers) 04 Mar >

paucey adj: Limp, pale or unprepossessing 21 Mar >

peelywally adj: Unwell, washed out, under the weather, pale & uninteresting 09 Mar >

peelywally baggie n: Part-baked baguette 09 Mar >

PhD point n: A subtlety in a creative work so obscure that it will pass unnoticed, unless it becomes the subject of a PhD one day 13 Mar >

pingams n: Belly button 03 Mar >

pinghole n: Microwave oven 08 Mar >

playback n: The luggage area of an estate car 08 Mar >

POETS day n: Piss off early, tomorrow’s Saturday (or, for sensitive ears, Push off…) 27 May >

poffle n: Pop filter for a microphone 24 Mar >

pointèd stick n: Pointed stick 12 Mar >

pornograph n: Imaginary appliance for displaying pornography 05 Mar >

potato sock n: Sock with several holes 04 Mar >

poverty model n: Bottom-of-the-range option, especally where the cost savings are conspicuous 03 Mar >

priestage n: Prestige 24 Mar >

puffin break n: When climbing, a puffing break with a pretext 04 Mar >

pugsaw jizzle n: Jigsaw puzzle 13 Mar >

pump n: Nonsense 24 Mar >

pune or play on words n: Pun or wordplay 21 Mar >

purple-headeds n: Mountains 02 Mar >

p’daahlo n: Pedalo 24 Mar >


rabbit of negative euphoria exp: Unhappy 17 Mar >

rectal floss n: The type of swimming attire that disappears up the wearer’s bum crack (intentionally) 23 Apr >

respectawiggle adj: Respectable 17 Mar >


saganaki! exc: Goodness me, what low-hanging testicles that chap has been blessed with! 04 Mar >

said Aunt Helga exp: response to anyone saying “tis” (or “it is” without sufficient care) 12 Mar >

salad pie n: Quiche 13 Apr >

sausinge n: Sausage 13 Mar >

senseless man n: Census man 05 Mar >

shabby and miscellaneous adj: Disappointing 02 Mar >

shivery bite n: Biscuit or sweet issued after a swim 03 Mar >

short arms, deep pockets adj: Mean, stingy 08 Mar >

shot a bunny v: Passed wind 29 Mar >

shrimp-wrapped adj: Shrink-wrapped 25 May >

shut up and give your arse a chance exp: You appear to be talking nonsense 17 Mar >

sickly cake n: Individual cake of the sort served for afternoon tea in the right sort of hotel 11 Mar >

slap it in the middle and we’ll all get a bit exp: I propose (or threaten) to serve this jelly, rice pudding, trifle or other osh by striking it in the middle with a ladle 19 Mar >

slimy ming fruit n: Avocado 28 Feb >

smells like coffee, looks like cocoa n: WW1 army tea 14 Mar >

Snablats n: St Albans 04 Mar >

snortelly snips n: Sleep, especially in anticipation 17 Mar >

so you do that exp: Response to an inaudible PA announcement 08 Mar >

sof adj: Like soft, but softer 02 Mar >

sooky adj: Limp, ineffectual and whiny 25 May >

sooky adj: Timid and/or apt to complain and/or resistant to fun 17 Mar >

soya sturvya exp: I am sorry to disturb you 03 Apr >

spacemen drop-off n: Specimen drop-off 27 Mar >

sparkling plugs n: Spark plugs 27 Apr >

splash me boots! exp: Excuse me while I make a visit to the gents’ lavatory 12 Mar >

squeamful adj: Like squeamish, but less indefinite 17 Mar >

St Reatham n: Gentrified pronunciation of the London district Streatham 25 May >

stabbing n: Blood test 23 Mar >

Stinkyniger n: Rhosneigr, the seaside village in Anglesey 12 May >

Stirling Moss, chica/chico! exc: Goodness me, you seem to be driving exuberantly today 02 Mar >

stumps (or call stumps) exp: Declare the end of play – call a halt to an undertaking with no defined end, or simply decide it’s bedtime 13 Mar >

swooshbox n: Dishwasher 25 May >


talkie-walkie n: Walkie-talkie 27 Apr >

tassel n: Penis 19 Mar >

thalassa! thalassa! exc: After many hours’ travel towards the seaside, there at last is the actual sea! (thalassa = θαλασσα = sea) 19 Mar >

thank you Mrs Lowsborough Goosborough exp: Thanks for nothing 02 Mar >

that man did smack me with a needle! exc: Toddler Mark’s blubbing reaction to an inoculation which he had not expected 16 Apr >

that’s the badger! exc: Ah, *that* is the object/technique/problem/solution we were looking for 26 May >

then on Friday… no, tell a lie, it was the Saturday exp: Caricature of that particular variety of storytelling that is long on irrelevant detail and short on, well, story 22 Mar >

there was a young man of Tralee exp: Callback to the Limerish: There was a young man of Tralee Got stung on the nose by a wasp When asked “Did it hurt?” He said “No not a bit Thank goodness it wasn’t a hornet” 27 May >

there’s a ghost, there’s a ghost, throw a flannel at it’s face! exc: I see you have a flannel on your face. I am about to throw another at you. The flannel already on your face will make this a shocking experience 12 Mar >

there’s no show without Punch exp: Jobs don’t get done when the person who normally does them is away 21 Mar >

they are curlews of the fenland! exp: Call and response upon seeing a seagull. 09 Mar >

three ha’p’orth of gawd help us exp: Disorganised, uncoordinated, a shambles 05 Mar >

three-ee blice exp: Three blind mice …from the nursery rhyme 26 May >

thunderwobbler n: Spin dryer, or washing machine when spin drying 11 Mar >

tibbit! exc: Shout to be given if first to sight a yellow hydrant during a car journey 19 Mar >

ticky tacky n: Shoddy building material 16 May >

tight as a crab’s arse under water adj: Unduly economy-minded 08 Mar >

time to put clothes on exp: Time to get up 21 Mar >

toasty bombola n: Heated car seat 02 Mar >

tolerably early night exp: An early night, which the children involved would likely find intolerable and the adults highly tolerable 21 Mar >

trypo n: Intentional typo for typo 05 Mar >


undercrunk n: Strip of pebbles just below the waterline on an otherwise sandy beach 03 Mar >

unleaded adj: Decaffeinated 12 May >


vacs up nice adj: Responds well to treatment with a vacuum cleaner 08 Mar >

vauum n: The sound of a vacuum-flush lavatory 04 Mar >

vladivostok exc: (Exclamation for covering a belch ) 17 Mar >


wadundudundu n: Sleeping policeman or speed bump 21 Mar >

wash horses v: Wash hair 02 Mar >

wee board n: The pastry base of a tart 03 Mar >

wellcome home exp: Welcome home 16 Mar >

whackers n: Lies 02 Mar >

what a fall of royalty! exc: Goodness, those picture cards were badly defeated! 12 Mar >

what mind is here o’erthrown exp: That is an uncharacteristically ill-considered remark, decision or action 23 Mar >

what will you have? said the waiter exp: A callback to this ditty: “What will you have?” said the waiter, pensively picking his nose “Two boiled eggs, you bugger – you won’t get your fingers in those” 12 May >

where we have been, no-one can tell exp: We have left this picnic spot, beach or other location as we found it – well done us 03 Mar >

where’s the yucky bowl? exp: This meal is not entirely palatable 23 Apr >

white seals n: White folk swimming in the Thames, especially before the suntan season 30 Mar >

whocares n: County when filling in a web form 03 Apr >

who’s going round the roundabout? exp: (Rhetorical) 19 Mar >

who’s “she” – the cat’s mother? exc: Refer to women by their names, not pronouns! 03 Apr >

wishywashy place n: The under-bed compartment that serves as a laundry basket at Heron Island 27 May >

wisp n: Whist 30 Mar >

wi’ oor knickers hangin’ doon exp: Obligatory rejoinder to “we’re off tae toon” 24 Mar >

wobulence n: Mild turbulence 03 Mar >

WOMBAT n: Waste of money, brains and time 05 Mar >

wut‽ exc: Like what‽, but whattier 16 Apr >


yam all right our kid? exp: Do you fare well, sibling? 20 Mar >

yellow is mellow, but if it’s brown flush it down exp: Flush poo but not pee 08 Mar >

you can go off people exp: A person I have hitherto admired has done or said something reprehensible 27 Apr >

you daft ha’p’orth! exc: That is entertainingly silly 07 Apr >

you must give me the recipe exp: That meal was appalling 20 Mar >

your egg’s broken exp: One of the things I’m cooking is less perfect than the other and I’ve decided to give it to you 27 May >

your tiny hand is frozen! exc: Your hand (not necessarily tiny) is frozen 09 Mar >


zizzer-zoof seeds n: Features, especially in software, “which nobody wants, because nobody needs” 03 Mar >

zlotniks n: A wedgie 12 Mar >