This site is for the Mark & Naomi Iliff family. For Mark’s work persona go to Talespinner

Editor access Iliff-King phrasebook

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fin de saison adj: Unwelcoming, with many facilities closed 13 May >

shith-ooze n: Seat of ease, convenience, lavatory 13 May >

ours adj: Our 13 May >

mingo n: Flamingo 13 May >

tisswiss for Mummy exp: Cue phrase for emptying a sleepy child during the night 13 May >

bastardsphere n: The inglorious company of spammers, hackers & phishers 13 May >

Useless n: James Joyce’s Ulysses 13 May >

flaming brandinis n: Game that involves pouring flaming brandy over a bowl of raisins and eating them while they’re still burning 04 May >


the artist is making a joke exp: Its creator intended this to be funny or clever 18 Apr >

when you get to the final you win exp: When you make it to the final of a competition you expect to win 18 Apr >

up your end exp: Phrase used when passing vegetable dishes around a dining table 18 Apr >

prat flaps n: A particular type of men’s open leather sandal, especially if large, droopy and worn with socks 18 Apr >

par cark n: Car park 18 Apr >

bloody great balloons exp: Callback to the desperate cry of a vendor of oversized balloons outside Madame Tussauds on a chilly spring day: “Balloons! Balloons! Bloody great balloons!” 18 Apr >

misery bite n: Comfort food when unwell 18 Apr >

go commando v: Perform a piece of music without referring to the score 18 Apr >

buttons on a wall exp: Response to “so what?” 18 Apr >

Moses n: The most elastic man in the christian bible 18 Apr >

Bildad the Shuhite n: The shortest man in the christian bible 18 Apr >

go swimming with the children v: Defecate 18 Apr >

richtigetonneohnenach­barnprüfenstolz n: The pride felt at putting out the right bin without first checking what the neighbours have done 14 Apr >

bogpaper music n: Music so bland and formless that you can tear off any length you want 13 Apr >

the customer is always the customer exp: The supplier’s job is to satisfy the wants of the customer, however unhinged they might appear 12 Apr >

wankpanzer n: Flamboyant agricultural vehicle when used by city dwellers 12 Apr >


winnebago n: A Milwaukee brand tape measure 30 Mar >

beef cut n: Crew cut 30 Mar >

another saucer of milk? exp: Goodness, that was a catty [mean, spiteful] comment! 30 Mar >

who’s died? exp: Your flies are undone 30 Mar >

white horse n: A perfect guest 21 Mar >

East Ham adj: Mad 21 Mar >

and hadn’t we the gaeity at Phil the fluter’s ball song: A line that Dad would sing at the most unexpected of times 19 Mar >

kiss me WHAT‽ exp: G’s reaction on being told we were off to the West End to see the musical Kiss Me Kate 19 Mar >

jagular n: Jaguar – can apply both to panthera onca and to the car brand 19 Mar >

and the band played Believe it if you like exp: I don’t believe it 19 Mar >

in the nothings adj: Naked 19 Mar >

while you’re on your feet… exp: By standing up you have made yourself liable for any tasks that I want doing (such as bringing us all a cup of tea) 19 Mar >

I’m taking it back exp: Granny’s almost invariable declaration on arriving home with a purchase 19 Mar >

long may your big jib draw exp: Wishing you a happy and successful life 19 Mar >

B I tish n: A woman considered to be mean, overbearing or contemptible 19 Mar >

p-o-tat-oes song: Callback to a song: p-o-tat-oes O OOOO O OO 19 Mar >

sparrow piss n: A rain shower so nugatory that it doesn’t even wet the grass 18 Mar >

pince mie n: Mince pie, the Christmas comestible 18 Mar >

unmatched pointer n: A loose end; an unresolved issue 18 Mar >

operator n: One practised at getting her/his/their own way 18 Mar >

cunkspangle n: Person of small wit and smaller manners 18 Mar >

light a candle to Saint Anthony exp: A thing to do when searching for a lost item 18 Mar >

The Whizzer There Was n: The Wizard of Oz 18 Mar >

pictureskew adj: Picturesque 10 Mar >

when a man is tired of Bracknell… exp: Callback to: When a man is tired of Bracknell he has been there 20 mins 10 Mar >

dots n: A musical score 10 Mar >

hatches, matches and despatches n: The Births, Marriages & Deaths column of a newspaper, the avid perusal of which becomes the first priority of some when it thuds on the mat 10 Mar >

perslongings n: Possessions 10 Mar >

a chill wind in the Trossachs exp: The sensation of wearing a kilt¹ on a cold day 10 Mar >

kabiss n: Cabbage 09 Mar >

Ben Yehuda n: Pa’s nickname for Benno 09 Mar >

Suss-ar-ekal! exc: Pa’s take on his father’s take on a Sikh battle cry 09 Mar >

when I was a little girl like you… exp: Pa’s teasing approach to storytelling: Pa: When I was a little girl like you… Small ♀: You weren’t a little girl! Pa: Then, when I was a little boy like you… Small ♀: But I am not a little boy! ↻ repeat until one party cracks 09 Mar >

foul infidel! Know you have trod on the toe of Abul Abulbul Amir! song: You have trodden on my foot 09 Mar >

Oyé n: Evelyn’s name for herself when she was known as Joyce (which was up to her late teens) 09 Mar >

big crisp n: Poppadom 09 Mar >

those aren’t bananas they’re plantains exp: A baffling and unfounded denigration of bananas 09 Mar >

takes the skin off your teeth exp: An effect of eating rhubarb 09 Mar >

a day late and a dollar short adj: Applies to work that is both late and substandard 09 Mar >

trivium n: An incidental fact of little importance 09 Mar >

Betelgwayzay n: Betelgeuse (aka α Orionis), red supergiant and 10ᵗʰ brightest star in the sky 09 Mar >

where we have been no-one shall find, For not a trace have we left behind song: Reminder to all, when leaving a spot they had spent time in, to look back to check they have taken all their stuff with them. Callback to: Where we have been no one can find, Not a trace have we left behind. Only the people we’ve helped today Know that the Brownies have passed this way. 08 Mar >

’twill fit!! exc: Despite signs to the contrary, this jigsaw piece WILL fit! 08 Mar >

hey little horsey, don’t you stop song: Call back to the song: Hey little horsey, don’t you stop, Just let your hooves go clicketty clop. Tail go swish, wheels go round Giddy up we’re homeward bound. 08 Mar >

that’s an acquired taste: you either like it or you don’t exp: I don’t like it 08 Mar >

ars bin n: Wing bean 08 Mar >

do a Thomas v: Race out to the loo in the middle of a meal to make room for more food 08 Mar >

arsnip n: Parnsip 08 Mar >

I expect nothing. I fear nothing. I am free. exp: (What it says) 08 Mar >

the full catastrophe exp: Everything; all of the thing we’re discussing 08 Mar >

the door’s not shut on my genius but… song: I’ll eventually prove to be brilliant 08 Mar >

Sister / Brother exp: Useful device for addressing someone when you’ve forgotten their name 08 Mar >

Fabrézé n: The stench suppressant Fabreze 08 Mar >

we are the cockyolly birds all red and green and gold song: Fragment of a song Evelyn suddenly burst into after it sat dormant and unsung in her memory for 40 years 07 Mar >

Miss/Master Flum Bum n: Handy moniker for anyone whose name you can’t, at that moment, remember 06 Mar >

squashed fly biscuits n: Garibaldi biscuits, the ones with currants squashed between two thin rectangles of biscuit 06 Mar >

don’t bandy legs with me exp: Don’t quibble 06 Mar >

Fairy Nuff exp: Fair enough 06 Mar >

tell it not in Gath exp: Between you and me… 06 Mar >

prickly pig n: Echidna, the spine-covered egg-laying mammal sometimes misleadingly known as spiny anteater 05 Mar >

rumble-tumble n: Anglo-Indian dish comprising scrambled eggs, onions and whatever stuff needs eating up 05 Mar >

the camels are coming hurrah, hurrah! song: Pa’s jingle, delivered in an Anglo-Indian lilt, to go with jiggling a small child on his knee 05 Mar >

dangleway n: London’s Meridian Skyway cable car system (later known as Emirates Air Line¹) that crosses the Thames near the Millennium Dome (later known as O₂ Arena). By extension, any such cable car system 05 Mar >

nucking futter n: One whose behaviour defies reason 05 Mar >

Teetee de Boof n: Tête de Bœuf restaurant in Wootton Wawen, Warwickshire 05 Mar >

dudu maki n: Insect repellent 04 Mar >

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine song: The song: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are grey You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you! Please don’t take my sunshine away! 04 Mar >

ambliance n: Ambulance 04 Mar >

our friend who travels on his belly n: Snake 04 Mar >

Joe Blake n: Snake 04 Mar >

snotty gobbles (or snot block) n: Vanilla slices 04 Mar >

two minutes’ silence for the joke that just died exp: That was a terrible joke that deserved to fall as flat as it did 04 Mar >

emPHAHsis on the wrong syllAHble exp: Emphasis on the wrong syllable 04 Mar >

hopt out v: Opt out 04 Mar >

too much admin exp: Mark’s objection to eating crab, artichoke, pomegranate, shrimp etc 04 Mar >

collapsize v: Capsize 04 Mar >

flappy meats n: Cooked meats, charcuterie, cold cuts 04 Mar >

Aunty Brute n: Naomi’s name for Aunt Dorothy 04 Mar >

I would as lief ’erd ‘ens exp: I don’t want to do it 04 Mar >

hold back my sleeve while I put my finger to my forehead exp: I am trying to bring a forgotten thing to mind 04 Mar >

aha, Rasputin, the mad monk, climbing up those Russian steppés! exc: Here is the rice pudding. All hail the rice pudding 04 Mar >

not much of anything, but well and truly elegant exp: A more sophisticated and less substantial repast than usually appeared on the King family table 04 Mar >

One I love, Two I love, Three I love, I say song: Callback to: One I love Two I love Three I love, I say. Four I love with all my heart Five I cast away. Six he loves Seven she loves Eight they both love. Nine he comes, Ten he tarries, Eleven they court, Twelve they marry. Thirteen they quarrel Fourteen they part Fifteen one dies of a broken heart 04 Mar >

teaching wolves to chase sledges exp: Misguided negotiation technique of making a concession without requiring the other party to do the same 03 Mar >

madman in the attic exp: Negotiating technique along the lines of “I’d love to do that but the boss won’t let me” 03 Mar >

E-Type punt n: Camping punt 03 Mar >

Jo-Jo le Plongeur n: The children’s bath toy Diver Dan 03 Mar >

whackysticky n: Border morris dancing, the flavour of that noble art that involves the percussive use of staves 03 Mar >

EBI adj: Even better if… 03 Mar >

beefa leefa n: Beef olives 02 Mar >

shenzi adj: Below standard, no good 02 Mar >

haus sik n: Hospital 02 Mar >

RTFM exp: Read the manual (instead of bothering me) 02 Mar >

tadpoles n: A musical score 02 Mar >

gorillas n: The key of G major 02 Mar >

donkeys n: The key of D major 02 Mar >

susu bilong bulmacow n: Cows’ milk 01 Mar >

susu n: Breast; breast milk. 01 Mar >

Mr Bump exp: An iterative navigation technique that eschews maps, plans and electronic devices and instead proceeds in the hope that each failed attempt will at least bring the traveller a little nearer to the destination. Characterised by scenic routes & late arrivals 01 Mar >

didn’t want it ANYway! exp: Said when irreversibly deprived of something, particularly if through one’s own actions 01 Mar >

cuddly tick bird n: Hand-crafted birthday present for Naomi comprising a long white-bodied, yellow beaked, soft and cuddle-able tick bird, with appallingly prickly feet fashioned out of wire covered in sticky black insulating tape 01 Mar >

on the way to Meeting, I saw a butterfly and it reminded me of God exp: Ministry at a Quaker Meeting at Sidcot School, executed for a bet 01 Mar >

stuck in me clack exp: Stuck in my throat 01 Mar >

dance of the bogbrush fairies n: Dance of the sugar plum fairies from Tchaikovsky’s 1892 ballet The Nutcracker 01 Mar >

he’s got that round his neck exp: He has deeply misunderstood and/or perpetrated a severe tangle 01 Mar >

parroty error exp: When your parrot says “pieces of seven” 01 Mar >

ecilop n: Police 01 Mar >

we’ve squeezed the goodness out of that exp: All the interesting or entertaining aspects of this topic have now been exhausted 01 Mar >


longwe liklik exp: I have no idea how far away 28 Feb >

samting, nating exp: Not worth worrying about (or remembering or noticing) 28 Feb >

honey money n: Proceeds of selling honey 28 Feb >

flea rake n: Hair comb 28 Feb >

poo tickets n: Toilet roll, lavatory paper, bogroll, torchecul, bum fodder… call it what you will 28 Feb >

You are very ugly today, Pa / Ma Ubu! exp: A gently loving greeting to one’s spouse in the morning 28 Feb >

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by exp: I hate deadlines 28 Feb >

surface filing n: A system of filing that involves leaving everything on the desktop, ie no system at all 28 Feb >

piece of chelief n: Chief of police 28 Feb >

if he fell into basin full of boobs he’d come out sucking his thumb exp: He is serially unlucky 28 Feb >

shrapnel n: Small change, especially foreign coins that would be worthless on returning home 28 Feb >

spose n: Spouse 28 Feb >

crop dusting v: Letting a fart whilst in motion, particularly indoors 27 Feb >

peepy-eyed adj: Frowzy, especially if eyes swollen from lack of (or too much) sleep 27 Feb >

dunny diver n: Plumber 27 Feb >

dry as a Nullarbor rabbit adj: Thirsty 27 Feb >

flat out, like a lizard drinking. adj: Flat out 27 Feb >

glass cherries n: Glacé cherries 27 Feb >

bum in the air adj: Hard at work 27 Feb >

katsik n: A dish Clare invented consisting largely of baked tomato with feta cubes 27 Feb >

bumnuts n: Eggs 27 Feb >

fly squatter n: Fly swatter 27 Feb >

the job’s a good ’un exp: We have achieved our objective 12 Feb >

leaf blower n: A well-to-do man who is dissolute or promiscuous 12 Feb >

if UCP on tripe don’t eat it exp: If you see pee on tripe don’t eat it 12 Feb >

da hoover’s broke exp: I’ve broken something and it’s your fault 12 Feb >

Bob’s your parent’s sibling exp: It’s as easy as that 11 Feb >

jock v: Miss, skip, cut or otherwise fail to attend 11 Feb >

mloddy adj: Mouldy 11 Feb >

nanny nagface n: One prone to give far more criticism or other feedback than the situation warrants 11 Feb >

god rest you jerry mentlemen song: Mischievous variation on God rest you merry, gentlemen from the carol of the same name 11 Feb >

most highly flavoured gravy song: Mischievous variation on Most highly favoured lady, a line from the carol The Angel Gabriel 11 Feb >

that’s small onions exp: That is the end. We have done all that we are here to do 11 Feb >

I can walk from here exp: You have parked rather far from the kerb 11 Feb >

trowers n: Trousers 11 Feb >

they’ll never sell ice creams at that speed exp: An emergency vehicle is passing with its siren going 11 Feb >

contribute! exc: Your participation in the conversation must increase 10 Feb >

give every flying moment something to remember it by exp: Response to “I’m bored” 10 Feb >

sloppies n: Loose-fitting clothing worn inside the home. Daylight PJs 10 Feb >

the chop n: A vasectomy 10 Feb >

oddfather / oddmother n: A role akin to godfather / godmother suitable for an atheist 07 Feb >

now the weather turns quite dirty and the clock it strikes five-thirty exp: The weather is taking a turn for the worse 07 Feb >

pick a note or go home exc: I am pained by your excessive use of vibrato and/or coloratura 07 Feb >

clickage n: Groceries purchased via a click-and-collect arrangement 07 Feb >

ladies of negotiable affection n: Female sex workers 07 Feb >

Maggie Murphy’s please park prettily exp: You can park better than that 07 Feb >

effluent n: Elephant 05 Feb >

maflingo n: Flamingo 05 Feb >

undercrackers n: Underpants 05 Feb >

crunchy plate n: Poppadom 05 Feb >

plug v: Conceal item in the rectum 05 Feb >

warning-warning exp: Everything is fine 05 Feb >

sound as a pound adj: Highly reliable. Also: In very good health 05 Feb >

hollow legs adj: One capable of eating large amounts of food while remaining slender 05 Feb >

downside up adj: Upside down 05 Feb >

delusions of adequacy n: The mindset of someone attempting to outperform their competence 05 Feb >

I see said the blind man as he walked into a lampost exp: Sceptical response to the assertion “I see” 05 Feb >

rent to the ideal exp: The cost of trust 04 Feb >

idées au dessus de son gare exp: Ideas above his station, a classic put-down of those trying to advance themselves by those who consider themselves superior 04 Feb >

hankerchoof n: Handkerchief 03 Feb >

square eyes n: One who watches a lot of TV 02 Feb >

cast nasturtiums exp: Cast aspersions 02 Feb >

wee knights n: Week nights 02 Feb >


Yizanastikov the Russian exp: He has a nasty cough 30 Jan >

it’s been a bad year for Scottish hill farmers exp: (Intended as a conversation stopper) 29 Jan >

now mighty Caesar turned to clay might stop a wall to keep the wind away exp: We are all humbled in death 29 Jan >

I’m as old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth exp: Answer to the question “How old are you?” 29 Jan >

one up, one down, one polisher exp: British Army heuristic for lavatory paper usage 29 Jan >

it was in the last place I looked exp: I’ve found it 29 Jan >

Barley-sugar Legs n: His sisters’ pet name for Dad 29 Jan >

second coffee n: Weak brew made by re-steeping grounds that have already been used to make the nice coffee 28 Jan >

tentacles n: Testicles 28 Jan >

Spindleshanks n: Dad’s pet name for Jane-Marie, and later for Bel 28 Jan >

goosegog n: Gooseberry 28 Jan >

I’ll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion song: I shall have my revenge, in a sort of easy-going way 27 Jan >

my aunt, having made a telephone call, is feeling very much better exp: Mischievous mistranslation of the French expression Tant pis, tant mieux 27 Jan >

sat in a tyre exp: Reference to the phrase Dressed in silk and satin attire 19 Jan >

Hairy Pudder n: The fictional character Harry Potter 17 Jan >

oh dear… how sad… never mind exp: I acknowledge your unhappiness, but consider it overstated 14 Jan >

Page Nine n: The Italian violinist & composer Niccolò Paganini 14 Jan >

Saint Sean n: The French composer Camille Saint-Saëns 14 Jan >

flippin’ ug adj: Unprepossessing 11 Jan >

birdy num-num n: Bird seed 11 Jan >

propelleper n: Propeller 08 Jan >

roastby spuds n: Roast potatoes 08 Jan >

accident n: An impulse purchase 02 Jan >

splash and dash n: Quick foray to the grocery shop 01 Jan >

Dec ’21

looks like you’ve been working on it for eight hours exc: Forthright critique of a hair-do that’s closer to a hair-don’t 29 Dec ’21 >

it’s only a trifle said the monkey exp: Callback to: ”It’s only a trifle!” said the monkey as it peed onto the sponge fingers …an expression of disdain for the gallimaufric pudding known as a trifle 26 Dec ’21 >

yow cor wack it exp: That would be hard to beat 18 Dec ’21 >

Goat Herders’ Guide to the Galaxy (or GHGTTG) n: The christian bible 05 Dec ’21 >

Marcus Aurelius n: Dad’s pet name for Mark 05 Dec ’21 >

Ministry of Tidy Folk n: [1]. When composers in the classical tradition adopt folk music fatally by stabbing it through the soul with a baton. [2]. People who believe that the version of a folk tune they know is the one true and only version 05 Dec ’21 >

vulture capitalist n: Venture capitalist 05 Dec ’21 >

it has a better chance now exp: The mistake that prevented a thing from working has now been rectified 05 Dec ’21 >

testiculae loquans adj: Talking bollocks 05 Dec ’21 >

priest car n: Morris Minor 05 Dec ’21 >

law of diminishing astonishment n: The process by which we become less and less impressed by ever greater advances, especially in technology 05 Dec ’21 >

Nov ’21

are bears Catholic? exp: Yes 25 Nov ’21 >

snorker n: Sausage 23 Nov ’21 >

do not the gate exp: Don’t obstruct the gate 23 Nov ’21 >

AFM n: Anger management 23 Nov ’21 >

chocolate board n: The rear boarding platform of a bus, specifically of the AEC Regent Three 21 Nov ’21 >

North Pole, duty penguin exp: Mischievous or stroppy phrase for answering a ringing phone 21 Nov ’21 >

eh wallah exp: Appears equivalent to “and there you have it” 21 Nov ’21 >

sparrowfart n: Very early in the morning 21 Nov ’21 >

Warr-Doorr n: Wardour Street in London, a centre of the film industry 21 Nov ’21 >

oomagoolie n: Umami, the one of the five basic tastes that didn’t have an English word (so we took the Japanese one) 21 Nov ’21 >

FHB exp: Family Hold Back, a reminder at parties to let guests have a good crack at the nosh before piling in 21 Nov ’21 >

hot holders n: Oven mitts 21 Nov ’21 >

pumpkin time n: Bed time 21 Nov ’21 >

snot harpoon n: Nasal swab 07 Nov ’21 >

nose pie n: The yield from a nose-picking foray 07 Nov ’21 >

another saucer of milk? exp: Goodness me, that was a catty comment! 07 Nov ’21 >

insult v: Consult 07 Nov ’21 >

ouzo n: Ozone 07 Nov ’21 >

gash adj: Broken. Can also, in the same general sense, be a noun meaning rubbish 07 Nov ’21 >

pick up fagends v: Pay attention to snippets of others’ conversation, particularly without the full context, often with a view to joining in 07 Nov ’21 >

do you want me to write a letter? exp: Mum’s response to an offspring complaining about unfairness or strife at school, and later at work 07 Nov ’21 >

Waly Disneq n: Walt Disney 07 Nov ’21 >

do I have to eat the beak? exp: (No real meaning – just a bonding cry) 06 Nov ’21 >

bonbon ching gum caramel! exp: (No real meaning – just a bonding cry) 06 Nov ’21 >

all the way round sir? exp: Literally “shall I serve you everything?” Can be used to imply a hint of gluttony 06 Nov ’21 >

Oct ’21

hoof-hearted exp: Has the form of an adjective, but is just a surreptitious way of calling out someone else’s flatulence 31 Oct ’21 >

can’t get his tongue round his Rs adj: Has difficulty saying the letter R 31 Oct ’21 >

hullabaloo n: One given to loud and/or exhibitionist behaviour, especially when boating 31 Oct ’21 >

curtains generation n: Those who grew up when mental illness was shameful and the only treatment was “pull yourself together” 31 Oct ’21 >

generation J n: Baby boomers, those of us who grew up with affordable housing, generous pensions and free university 31 Oct ’21 >

Sep ’21

obsquecious adj: Obsequious 17 Sep ’21 >

Bob Cox n: The physicist Brian Cox 17 Sep ’21 >

nice parking job, big guy! exc: I am deeply unimpressed with your attempt at parking 17 Sep ’21 >

rough as a badger adj: Rough (in the sense of not smooth, but not in the sense of approximate) 17 Sep ’21 >

lobster pop n: Lobster pot 17 Sep ’21 >

I was a fool to think the old Percy was dead exp: I find myself amorously inclined 06 Sep ’21 >

my wife’s wedding anniversary exp: Hallmark of an unromantic husband 06 Sep ’21 >

biddle biddle exp: The ringing sound of a GPO Trimphone, the trendy alternative to the standard issue phone 06 Sep ’21 >

warned in a dream exp: Take a different route 06 Sep ’21 >

let’s put the roof on first exp: Let’s do a thing that due reflection would reveal to be impossible 06 Sep ’21 >

sealion adj: Senile 06 Sep ’21 >

baby abluga n: Baby beluga 04 Sep ’21 >

cunsternoon afterble exp: Good afternoon, constable 04 Sep ’21 >

wobblevoice n: Singing with vibrato, especially when taken to excess 04 Sep ’21 >

dusty end n: The part of a violin’s fingerboard closer to the bridge than first position, where non-classical players rarely venture 04 Sep ’21 >

it’s no skin off my teeth exp: I am not affected by this 04 Sep ’21 >

muchos cocineros! exc: My goodness, what a lot of people there are in the kitchen! 04 Sep ’21 >

Ministry of Tidy Ruins n: Generic term for English Heritage, Historic Scotland and similar organisations dedicated to setting the ragged remains of long-gone buildings in neatly trimmed grass 04 Sep ’21 >

hoddududuh n: Hand-powered carpet sweeper 04 Sep ’21 >

Aug ’21

ump and tions exp: What assumptions make an ass of 20 Aug ’21 >

Australian naming n: The practice of assigning proper names that are unduly literal, such as Great Barrier Reef, Northern Territory, Snowy Mountains, Great Sandy Desert, Great Dividing Range etc 19 Aug ’21 >

Gusto n: A mystery friend 19 Aug ’21 >

myzled v: Misled 19 Aug ’21 >

village aunty n: Vigilante 19 Aug ’21 >

for ’ron adj: For later on 19 Aug ’21 >

testiculate v: Employ expansive gestures whilst talking bollocks 11 Aug ’21 >

here’s a tanner each to go away exp: Mental reaction to carol singers knocking the door. Can be literal or ironic. Would not actually be voiced 11 Aug ’21 >

clever people like me who talk loudly in restaurants exp: Expression of disapproval of people who talk loudly in restaurants 11 Aug ’21 >

straight-straight-straight exp: Straight on 11 Aug ’21 >

mexicakes n: Mexican pancakes when made at home from tortillas, mince, vegetables etc. 11 Aug ’21 >

old folk joke n: A joke that is so old it tickles no-one, but must be trotted out when a suitable setup is given by another 11 Aug ’21 >

I want gets nothing exp: Don’t ask for things 11 Aug ’21 >

black-coated workers n: Prunes 11 Aug ’21 >

punctuality is a politeness of kings exp: Don’t be late 11 Aug ’21 >

limerish n: Limerick that doesn’t quite follow the rules of that verse form 11 Aug ’21 >

ready-ready adj: Ready, this moment, to do the next thing (as opposed to starting to think about bringing the previous activity to a close… at some point… probably, which is some people’s idea of “ready”) 09 Aug ’21 >

Jul ’21

I Clavdivs n: I, Claudius, the book of Robert Graves 29 Jul ’21 >

goodndit n: One of the good guys in a story 29 Jul ’21 >

desecrated coconut n: Dessicated coconut 29 Jul ’21 >

flappyfishogram n: Echocardiogram, an ultrasound scan of the heart 29 Jul ’21 >

orpathedic adj: Orthopaedic 29 Jul ’21 >

drafty draft n: Precursor to a draft (of documents) 29 Jul ’21 >

cockpit ape n: One who drives with an arm resting along the door, in the manner of Clarkson J and Johnson B 28 Jul ’21 >

laxadaisical adj: Like lackadaisical, but laxer 28 Jul ’21 >

sun, sea, sand and, er…, palms exp: Manual self-stimulation 28 Jul ’21 >

washing machine n: A water’s-edge game: while able to stand, hold hands facing inwards in a ring; float & kick legs to make a splash, and if possible get some rotation going. For 4+ participants 28 Jul ’21 >

I only dropped them once exp: I only destroyed { the item in question } once 27 Jul ’21 >

Boom-holé n: Fictional planet 27 Jul ’21 >

bearded mushrooms n: Breaded mushrooms 27 Jul ’21 >

chilli gone barmy n: Chilli con carne 27 Jul ’21 >

fartidoodalus n: One who messes around, or exhibits lack of focus and determination 27 Jul ’21 >

BO-er n: Deodorant 27 Jul ’21 >

coffinated adj: Sold in a sealed punnet (of food) 27 Jul ’21 >

omzetbelasting exc: Imprecation that sounds ruder than it is 27 Jul ’21 >

le grand fromage lui-même exp: The big cheese himself 19 Jul ’21 >

le chien retourne a son propre vomissement exp: The dog returns to its own vomit 19 Jul ’21 >

Mr Brown upstairs smoking n: The wholly fictitious person a young lad claimed would pay his bus fare, buying him time to scarper when the conductor went upstairs 06 Jul ’21 >

Silliam William n: Intentionally pompous version of the mild put-down Silly Billy 06 Jul ’21 >

a light to lighten the genitals exp: Graffito seen in the gentlemen’s convenience of The Perch inn, Oxford, beneath the single lamp over the urinals that lit that gloomy room 06 Jul ’21 >

tarramadiddle n: Like taradiddle, but taradiddlier 06 Jul ’21 >

some people really work at being miserable exp: Gosh, s/he doesn’t look for the silver lining! 06 Jul ’21 >

hiding behind the door when the brains were handed out adj: Not notably astute 06 Jul ’21 >

Depeche Mode n: The retailer Decathlon 06 Jul ’21 >

His Majesty’s Lunchbox n: The retailer Majestic Wines 06 Jul ’21 >

uninvited guest at every conversation n: TV 05 Jul ’21 >

sniggle v: Like snigger, but with less implied criticism 05 Jul ’21 >

Jun ’21

practise beforehand which ruins the fun song: Take preparation seriously. Callback to Flanders & Swann’s A song of patriotic prejudice: And all the world over each nation’s the same They’ve simply no notion of playing the game They argue with umpires, they cheer when they’ve won And they practise beforehand which ruins the fun 27 Jun ’21 >

more of a meal than a drink exp: Tea served from a pot without a strainer 27 Jun ’21 >

there we are then! exc: What a silly person! 27 Jun ’21 >

Teshco n: Tesco, the supermarket chain 27 Jun ’21 >

homeopathic vodka n: Water 27 Jun ’21 >

Milly-Molly-Mandy house n: A stereotypical house, absolutely symmetrical with one window each side of the porch, three matching windows on the first floor (2ⁿᵈ if you’re American) & the pitch of the roof matching the pitch of the porch 27 Jun ’21 >

Turd & Cabbage n: Slug & Lettuce, the restaurant chain 27 Jun ’21 >

haddoncave v: Participate in PE without a jockstrap 27 Jun ’21 >

spider werb n: Spider’s web 27 Jun ’21 >

up to a point, Lord Copper exp: No 27 Jun ’21 >

May ’21

Lethal Festival n: The Leith Hill Musical Festival 27 May ’21 >

Mount Ararat n: Mount Alvernia hospital, Guildford, which is a long climb from the Epsom road 27 May ’21 >

there was a young man of Tralee song: Callback to the Limerish: There was a young man of Tralee Got stung on the nose by a wasp When asked “Did it hurt?” He said “No not a bit Thank goodness it wasn’t a hornet” 27 May ’21 >

empty sugar bags exp: What couples actually say when they whisper sweet nothings 27 May ’21 >

bet that’s cooled his biryani down a bit exp: He seems to find that drink refreshing 27 May ’21 >

your egg’s broken exp: One of the things I’m cooking is less perfect than the other and I’ve decided to give it to you 27 May ’21 >

come to the cookhouse door, boys! song: The meal is ready 27 May ’21 >

get aht t’road ye silly beggar! exc: Cease obstructing my passage! 27 May ’21 >

a kangaroo loose in the top paddick adj: Not wholly in command of events 27 May ’21 >

wishywashy place n: The under-bed compartment that serves as a laundry basket at Heron Island 27 May ’21 >

alibaba n: The laundry basket at Greenmantle 27 May ’21 >

POETS day n: Piss off early, tomorrow’s Saturday (or, for sensitive ears, Push off…) 27 May ’21 >

misery chest n: First aid kit taken on holidays, or medicine cupboard at home 26 May ’21 >

ancestor tea n: The weak tea resulting from topping a pot up with hot water a second or subsequent time 26 May ’21 >

Biggles flies undone exp: 1. (Meaningless interjection at any allusion to the fictional character James Bigglesworth, or to any other similarly improbably ept aviator) 2. Your flies are undone 26 May ’21 >

any more laid back his bum would fall off exp: Extremely relaxed, perhaps reprehensibly so 26 May ’21 >

anti-cretinous adj: Anti-tetanus 26 May ’21 >

three-ee blice song: Three blind mice …from the nursery rhyme 26 May ’21 >

diddle diddle dumpling, mice and John song: Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John …the nursery rhyme 26 May ’21 >

that’s the badger! exc: Ah, *that* is the object/technique/problem/solution we were looking for 26 May ’21 >

bogflosher n: Drain unblocker 25 May ’21 >

dead, and never called me mother exp: General purpose acknowledgement of a tragic circumstance 25 May ’21 >

fraggleflops n: A particular kind of shoe, with very little potential as a weapon, issued to prison inmates 25 May ’21 >

fundo-cubital dislocia n: The condition of being unable to distinguish between one’s arse and one’s elbow 25 May ’21 >

assumptions make an ass of ump and tions exp: Avoid making assumptions 25 May ’21 >

swooshbox n: Dishwasher 25 May ’21 >

my word, Hetty exp: A callback to the song fragment: My word, Hetty If I catch you on the jetty I’ll saw your leg off And stick it on with jam In Amsterdam …to a tune that the compilers have yet to identify 25 May ’21 >

I remember being in Scotland song: A callback to the song fragment: I remember being in Scotland Shooting peas up a nanny goat’s bottom …to the tune of Men of Harlech 25 May ’21 >

brown katies n: Bronchitis 25 May ’21 >

alec tricity n: Electricity 25 May ’21 >

good moaning exp: Good morning 25 May ’21 >

shrimp-wrapped adj: Shrink-wrapped 25 May ’21 >

Coorg’s n: The American beer Coor’s 25 May ’21 >

it’s the water exp: Expression of disdain for mass-market American beers 25 May ’21 >

code yellow exp: A pee, or going for a pee, or in need of a pee 25 May ’21 >

grouse adj: Very good 25 May ’21 >

Golliwog railway n: The Festiniog (now Ffestiniog) Railway in N Wales 25 May ’21 >

Cla’am n: Gentrified pronunciation of the London district Clapham 25 May ’21 >

St Reatham n: Gentrified pronunciation of the London district Streatham 25 May ’21 >

Columbo bladder n: The condition, familiar to some older gentlemen, that causes the bladder to suggest one last squirt after the micturiter has shut up shop, washed hands and headed for the door 25 May ’21 >

ticky tacky n: Shoddy building material 16 May ’21 >

a boy is a boy… exp: A callback to the proverb: A boy is a boy; two boys are half a boy; three boys are no boy at all …a commentary on the productivity of boys hired to do work, when child labour was considered acceptable 16 May ’21 >

fall over blackwards exp: Positive discrimination taken to extremes 16 May ’21 >

chained to the oar of a magnificent galley exp: Your humble labours in pursuit of a noble objective do not go unnoticed 16 May ’21 >

ahiggit ahugget exp: That person is taking self-deprecation to extremes 16 May ’21 >

Great Aunt Pottymouth n: Naomi 16 May ’21 >

bezz pawk adj: Bespoke 12 May ’21 >

one more shirt will do me exp: Don’t wash or iron me any more shirts as I’m going to drop dead any moment now 12 May ’21 >

my back, my belly and my two sides exp: Response to person complaining they feel unwell 12 May ’21 >

Horrible Life n: Herbal Life (now Herbalife), the brand of shampoo & similar products 12 May ’21 >

Stinkyniger n: Rhosneigr, the seaside village in Anglesey 12 May ’21 >

little birdie flying high song: A callback to this ditty: Little birdie flying high Drops a present from the sky Angry farmer wipes his eye Thanking god that cows don’t fly 12 May ’21 >

what will you have? said the waiter exp: A callback to this ditty: “What will you have?” said the waiter, pensively picking his nose “Two boiled eggs, you scoundrel – you won’t get your fingers in those” 12 May ’21 >

unleaded adj: Decaffeinated 12 May ’21 >

Apr ’21

no bones in it! exp: Easy, little one, there’s nothing hard to swallow in my milk 27 Apr ’21 >

sparkling plugs n: Spark plugs 27 Apr ’21 >

talkie-walkie n: Walkie-talkie 27 Apr ’21 >

you can go off people exp: A person I have hitherto admired has done or said something reprehensible 27 Apr ’21 >

where’s the yucky bowl? exp: This meal is not entirely palatable 23 Apr ’21 >

Basingrad n: Basingstoke 23 Apr ’21 >

rectal floss n: The type of swimming attire that disappears up the wearer’s bum crack (intentionally) 23 Apr ’21 >

make friends in cookhouse exp: Treat support workers with respect 23 Apr ’21 >

Higwi Kombi n: High Wycombe 20 Apr ’21 >

crank tea n: Herbal infusion 20 Apr ’21 >

wut‽ exc: Like what‽, but whattier 16 Apr ’21 >

have speaks v: Discuss 16 Apr ’21 >

that man did smack me with a needle! exc: Toddler Mark’s blubbing reaction to an inoculation which he had not expected 16 Apr ’21 >

14155 n: Iliff 16 Apr ’21 >

PAC n: 1) Pissing awful coffee. 2) Pa’s awful coffee …depending on the audience 13 Apr ’21 >

jam sandwich n: Police car 13 Apr ’21 >

blop n: Like blob, but ploppier 13 Apr ’21 >

salad pie n: Quiche 13 Apr ’21 >

holly bush n: Mythical physical laxative 10 Apr ’21 >

de petits pois n: Two small pears… if your French is as bad as Mark’s was 10 Apr ’21 >

ontray! exc: Special version of “come in” for room service when in France… because the food comes on a tray 07 Apr ’21 >

bumpity-bolliko adj: Uneven or bumpy (of a road) 07 Apr ’21 >

you daft ha’p’orth! exc: That is entertainingly silly 07 Apr ’21 >

chutney n: Lightning 07 Apr ’21 >

oatygoats n: Goats 07 Apr ’21 >

it’s worse than the ticktolleroo exp: A little less fidgeting please 07 Apr ’21 >

whocares n: County when filling in a web form 03 Apr ’21 >

bumpity bolliko n: Collision 03 Apr ’21 >

who’s “she” – the cat’s mother? exc: Refer to women by their names, not pronouns! 03 Apr ’21 >

soya sturvya exp: I am sorry to disturb you 03 Apr ’21 >

Mar ’21

gee what great looking kids – are they adopted? exp: Intended meaning: Your kids are a lot blonder than you two 30 Mar ’21 >

wisp n: Whist 30 Mar ’21 >

brunty adj: Brunette 30 Mar ’21 >

envelote n: Envelope 30 Mar ’21 >

fire eng truck n: Fire engine 30 Mar ’21 >

white seals n: White folk swimming in the Thames, especially before the suntan season 30 Mar ’21 >

bouncealine n: Trampoline 30 Mar ’21 >

blind mullet n: Seaborne bolus 30 Mar ’21 >

abratadabra exc: Answer to the question “What’s the magic word?” 30 Mar ’21 >

encambula n: Ambulance 30 Mar ’21 >

daddy socks n: A technique of putting on a sock whereby the heel is pulled up through the leg so that the sole can be placed over the foot 30 Mar ’21 >

niggs n: Eggs 30 Mar ’21 >

shot a bunny v: Passed wind 29 Mar ’21 >

forgetty bowl of naise n: Spaghetti bolognaise 29 Mar ’21 >

spacemen drop-off n: Specimen drop-off 27 Mar ’21 >

hopsital n: Hospital 27 Mar ’21 >

extinguished adj: Distinguished 25 Mar ’21 >

murano adj: Merino 25 Mar ’21 >

bumbag aloo n: Bombay aloo 25 Mar ’21 >

Aunty Mark n: Uncle Mark 25 Mar ’21 >

graunty / gruncle n: Great aunty / Great uncle 25 Mar ’21 >

good girl, Daddy exp: You have my approval, Father 25 Mar ’21 >

bumhug n: Humbug (the hard minty sweet) 24 Mar ’21 >

wi’ oor knickers hangin’ doon exp: Obligatory rejoinder to “we’re off tae toon” 24 Mar ’21 >

pump n: Nonsense 24 Mar ’21 >

priestage n: Prestige 24 Mar ’21 >

poffle n: Pop filter for a microphone 24 Mar ’21 >

p’daahlo n: Pedalo 24 Mar ’21 >

stabbing n: Blood test. Can also refer to an injection 23 Mar ’21 >

what mind is here o’erthrown exp: That is an uncharacteristically ill-considered remark, decision or action 23 Mar ’21 >

Cornish nasty n: 1) A poorly made Cornish pasty. 2) A Cornish pasty …depending on your point of view 23 Mar ’21 >

boom and scrunch n: The parlour game zoom and screech 22 Mar ’21 >

then on Friday… no, tell a lie, it was the Saturday exp: Caricature of that particular variety of storytelling that is long on irrelevant detail and short on, well, story 22 Mar ’21 >

let my son have the ball! exc: Veiled threat to embarrass an offspring by intervening on their behalf in something they ought to have under control 22 Mar ’21 >

there’s no show without Punch exp: Jobs don’t get done when the person who normally does them is away 21 Mar ’21 >

lumps n: Mumps 21 Mar ’21 >

pune or play on words n: Pun or wordplay 21 Mar ’21 >

paucey adj: Limp, pale or unprepossessing 21 Mar ’21 >

disgusterous adj: Disgusting 21 Mar ’21 >

time to put clothes on exp: Time to get up 21 Mar ’21 >

tolerably early night exp: An early night, which the children involved would likely find intolerable and the adults highly tolerable 21 Mar ’21 >

how’s your belly off for spots? exp: How are you 21 Mar ’21 >

wadundudundu n: Sleeping policeman or speed bump 21 Mar ’21 >

dudu n: Insect or bug 21 Mar ’21 >

don fly! exc: Be gone, flying insect! 21 Mar ’21 >

flappy plate n: Flour tortilla 20 Mar ’21 >

castrated adj: Decaffeinated (of coffee or tea) 20 Mar ’21 >

body coddler n: Sleeveless coat, or gilet 20 Mar ’21 >

you must give me the recipe exp: That meal was appalling 20 Mar ’21 >

yam all right our kid? exp: Do you fare well, sibling? 20 Mar ’21 >

tibbit! exc: Shout to be given if first to sight a yellow hydrant during a car journey 19 Mar ’21 >

81 exp: Response to “night-night!” 19 Mar ’21 >

I’ll have the other half now exp: Perhaps I could be persuaded to a little more beer 19 Mar ’21 >

thalassa! thalassa! exc: After many hours’ travel towards the seaside, there at last is the actual sea! (thalassa = θαλασσα = sea) 19 Mar ’21 >

dere ’tis! exc: After many hours’ travel towards the seaside, there at last is the actual sea! 19 Mar ’21 >

who’s going round the roundabout? song: (Rhetorical) 19 Mar ’21 >

slap it in the middle and we’ll all get a bit exp: I propose (or threaten) to serve this jelly, rice pudding, trifle or other osh by striking it in the middle with a ladle 19 Mar ’21 >

horses’s douvers n: Hors d’oeuvres 19 Mar ’21 >

bogpaper music n: Homogenised soulless featureless maundering lift music – tear off amount required 19 Mar ’21 >

listen to the silence! exc: Isn’t it quiet? 19 Mar ’21 >

flosh n: With qualifier: fizzy liquid. Without qualifier: elderflosh (qv) 19 Mar ’21 >

elderflosh n: Elderflower cordial 19 Mar ’21 >

ah-ahs n: Poo 19 Mar ’21 >

tassel n: Penis 19 Mar ’21 >

nipple cake n: Cherry bakewell 19 Mar ’21 >

a touch of the don’t-want-to-goes exp: Reluctance to go somewhere 19 Mar ’21 >

snortelly snips n: Sleep, especially in anticipation 17 Mar ’21 >

vladivostok exc: (Exclamation for covering a belch ) 17 Mar ’21 >

get off and milk it! exp: I am not very impressed with your vehicle 17 Mar ’21 >

shut up and give your arse a chance exp: You appear to be talking nonsense 17 Mar ’21 >

bat tsch-tsch n: Bathroom cleaner 17 Mar ’21 >

hyper-bowl n: Hyperbole 17 Mar ’21 >

sooky adj: Timid and/or apt to complain and/or resistant to fun 17 Mar ’21 >

rabbit of negative euphoria n: One who is unhappy 17 Mar ’21 >

oh bother! exc: Things are not going well 17 Mar ’21 >

loggy sticks n: Logistics 17 Mar ’21 >

squeamful adj: Like squeamish, but less indefinite 17 Mar ’21 >

respectawiggle adj: Respectable 17 Mar ’21 >

no, it’s just the way I’m breathing exp: Time-honoured answer to the question “Are you coming?” 16 Mar ’21 >

bug rake n: Hair comb 16 Mar ’21 >

wellcome home exp: Welcome home 16 Mar ’21 >

knock it on the head exp: A suggestion by Dad’s consultant for dealing with a UTI 16 Mar ’21 >

I want to watch me daddy pee exp: (What it says) 15 Mar ’21 >

no use to man or dog exp: No use to man or beast 14 Mar ’21 >

hoggry tiglets! exc: My, what a satisfying ending! 14 Mar ’21 >

all of a sudden a big black pudding came floating through the air exc: You are about to be struck during a pillow fight 14 Mar ’21 >

gubby n: Car sporting a GB plate when seen abroad 14 Mar ’21 >

smells like coffee, looks like cocoa n: WW1 army tea 14 Mar ’21 >

grabled exnaplation n: Garbled explanation… but garbled 14 Mar ’21 >

mismanglement n: Mismanagement, only more so 14 Mar ’21 >

I’ve got my big eating hat on! exp: Settle down, stop this noise/disagreement/kerfuffle 13 Mar ’21 >

pugsaw jizzle n: Jigsaw puzzle 13 Mar ’21 >

humididity n: Humidity 13 Mar ’21 >

PhD point n: A subtlety in a creative work so obscure that it will pass unnoticed, unless it becomes the subject of a PhD one day 13 Mar ’21 >

stumps (or call stumps) exp: Declare the end of play – call a halt to an undertaking with no defined end, or simply decide it’s bedtime 13 Mar ’21 >

sausinge n: Sausage 13 Mar ’21 >

Déjà Vu n: Citroën Deux Chevaux (2CV) 13 Mar ’21 >

splash me boots! exp: Excuse me while I make a visit to the gents’ lavatory 12 Mar ’21 >

pointèd stick n: Pointed stick 12 Mar ’21 >

fox’s puss n: Faux pas 12 Mar ’21 >

fiat lux, a remark attributed to God exp: Let there be light 12 Mar ’21 >

what a fall of royalty! exc: Goodness, those picture cards were badly defeated! 12 Mar ’21 >

said Aunt Helga exp: response to anyone saying “tis” (or “it is” without sufficient care) 12 Mar ’21 >

hot will grow cold, if greedy will wait exp: If you had patience then your mouth would not be burning right now 12 Mar ’21 >

der dee twiddly, dee twiddly, dee botty-cracks exp: We have reached the end of this book/film/TV series 12 Mar ’21 >

zlotniks n: A wedgie 12 Mar ’21 >

home again, home again, jiggedy jog song: We are finally home! Pa would chant it upon arriving home after an outing with Mr Bump 12 Mar ’21 >

bog n: Dog 12 Mar ’21 >

epoophany n: A paradigm-shifting thought, reached while sitting upon the throne 12 Mar ’21 >

bathroom thought n: A thought, had while using the facilities that exits your mind as you exit the smallest room 12 Mar ’21 >

no fun allowed exp: You have tried to do something nice for yourself and the world will not permit it 12 Mar ’21 >

a crow, letting exp: I am pressing lightly on your head with the fingernails of one hand, and am claiming that a crow has settled there in case you should think that I am pressing lightly on your head with the fingernails of one hand 12 Mar ’21 >

there’s a ghost, there’s a ghost, throw a flannel at its face! exc: I see you have a flannel on your face. I am about to throw another at you. The flannel already on your face will make this a shocking experience 12 Mar ’21 >

obstacular adj: Being an obstacle 12 Mar ’21 >

move your lips! exc: Your diction is unsatisfactory 12 Mar ’21 >

Fiddlywaxeye n: Imaginary third person when sharing something out between two people – the person counting out ends up with ⅔ and their good-natured companion with ⅓ 11 Mar ’21 >

thunderwobbler n: Spin dryer, or washing machine when spin drying 11 Mar ’21 >

combine hoover n: Combine harvester 11 Mar ’21 >

flutterby n: Butterfly 11 Mar ’21 >

fustercluck n: A mess resulting from several mistakes compounding each other 11 Mar ’21 >

noxious weed n: Non-native species of plant 11 Mar ’21 >

sickly cake n: Individual cake of the indulgent type served for afternoon tea at the right sort of hotel 11 Mar ’21 >

if you get there first, draw a chalk line; if I get there first, I’ll rub it out exp: (Laudable nonsense) 11 Mar ’21 >

how awdinawy! exc: Depressingly dull. Disappointingly ordinary 11 Mar ’21 >

peelywally baggie n: Part-baked baguette 09 Mar ’21 >

peelywally adj: Unwell, washed out, under the weather, pale & uninteresting 09 Mar ’21 >

op n: Any edible liquid/paste/stew 09 Mar ’21 >

if you’re up that way with your teeth exp: If you will be going anyway 09 Mar ’21 >

they are curlews of the fenland! song: Call and response upon seeing a seagull. 09 Mar ’21 >

your tiny hand is frozen! song: Your hand (not necessarily tiny) is frozen 09 Mar ’21 >

1-2-3 wash yourself, ducky! exc: I am throwing a handful of wet sand at you 09 Mar ’21 >

lah-pom n: Lavatory 09 Mar ’21 >

lumpy ming fruit n: Beetroot 08 Mar ’21 >

playback n: The luggage area of an estate car 08 Mar ’21 >

pinghole n: Microwave oven 08 Mar ’21 >

short arms, deep pockets adj: Mean, stingy 08 Mar ’21 >

tight as a crab’s arse under water adj: Unduly economy-minded 08 Mar ’21 >

longhetti n: Spaghetti (see Notes) 08 Mar ’21 >

get off home with you! exc: Your round of golf is spoiling the view from my window 08 Mar ’21 >

so you do that exp: Response to an inaudible PA announcement 08 Mar ’21 >

cover it over quick, Jemima! song: You are displaying a little more flesh than you might wish 08 Mar ’21 >

yellow is mellow, but if it’s brown flush it down exp: Flush poo but not pee 08 Mar ’21 >

elsh n: Elephant dung 08 Mar ’21 >

vacs up nice adj: Responds well to treatment with a vacuum cleaner 08 Mar ’21 >

I wanna beetroot exc: I really like the look of those toffee apples 07 Mar ’21 >

cronky donkey n: Decrepit railway train, especially an old DMU 06 Mar ’21 >

flatusphere n: The hazard zone of a flatus 06 Mar ’21 >

old bagaloon n: Humourless older woman 06 Mar ’21 >

WOMBAT n: Waste of money, brains and time 05 Mar ’21 >

trypo n: Intentional typo for typo 05 Mar ’21 >

fart young smeller n: Smart young feller 05 Mar ’21 >

clootie n: Left-handed person 05 Mar ’21 >

makes your eyebrows sweat exp: An unexpected consequence of eating blackcurrants 05 Mar ’21 >

a peach of a boat exp: Literally: A very nice boat. Intended meaning: A fishing boat 05 Mar ’21 >

three ha’p’orth of gawd help us exp: Disorganised, uncoordinated, a shambles 05 Mar ’21 >

hypodemic nerdle n: Hypodermic needle 05 Mar ’21 >

pornograph n: Imaginary appliance for displaying pornography 05 Mar ’21 >

senseless man n: Census man 05 Mar ’21 >

potato sock n: Sock with several holes 04 Mar ’21 >

saganaki! exc: Goodness me, what low-hanging testicles that chap has been blessed with! 04 Mar ’21 >

vauum n: The sound of a vacuum-flush lavatory 04 Mar ’21 >

puffin break n: When climbing, a puffing break with a pretext 04 Mar ’21 >

osh n: Generic term for sauces, soufflés, jellies, dips, pastes, pickles and other comestibles of a similar consistency 04 Mar ’21 >

Snablats n: St Albans 04 Mar ’21 >

Notlob n: Bolton 04 Mar ’21 >

I don’t boil my cabbages twice exp: I decline to repeat the words to which you failed to give proper attention 04 Mar ’21 >

forn prongs n: Travel adapters for electrical plugs 04 Mar ’21 >

do it self! exc: I firmly decline your offer of help 04 Mar ’21 >

garnsed up adj: 1) In a tangle. 2) Badly soiled 04 Mar ’21 >

park-anywheres n: Vehicle hazard warning lights (aka four-way flashers) 04 Mar ’21 >

hogwashing hat n: Impromptu sun hat made by drawing up a t-shirt until the neck band sits round the forehead and the remainder covers the neck 03 Mar ’21 >

flopsam & jepsam n: Flotsam & jetsam 03 Mar ’21 >

pingams n: Belly button 03 Mar ’21 >

fok strongbody adj: Powerful, strong, intense 03 Mar ’21 >

couldn’t organise a black pudding adj: Scatty, disorganised, bumbling 03 Mar ’21 >

contrived delights of LA n: Los Angeles’s theme parks 03 Mar ’21 >

Muggerborski n: The composer Mussorgsky 03 Mar ’21 >

elephant paper n: Kitchen roll 03 Mar ’21 >

poverty model n: Bottom-of-the-range option, especally where the cost savings are conspicuous 03 Mar ’21 >

pang! exc: Like bang, but clangier 03 Mar ’21 >

cash’n’flash n: Pay-and-display car park 03 Mar ’21 >

ky-oo Daddy! exc: On second thoughts, Father, I should like to take up your offer to carry me 03 Mar ’21 >

shivery bite n: Biscuit or sweet issued after a swim 03 Mar ’21 >

undercrunk n: Strip of pebbles just below the waterline on an otherwise sandy beach 03 Mar ’21 >

wee board n: The pastry base of a tart 03 Mar ’21 >

where we have been, no-one can tell exp: We have left this picnic spot, beach or other location as we found it – well done us 03 Mar ’21 >

zizzer-zoof seeds n: Features, especially in software, “which nobody wants, because nobody needs” 03 Mar ’21 >

wobulence n: Mild turbulence 03 Mar ’21 >

Iliff Point n: The remotest part of a beach, where we would go to be away from everyone else (even though it meant lugging everything miles from the car) 03 Mar ’21 >

Iliff Wight n: Isle of Wight, a county of England 03 Mar ’21 >

cooking fat! exc: By jove, that cat is annoying me 02 Mar ’21 >

shabby and miscellaneous adj: Disappointing 02 Mar ’21 >

Stirling Moss, chica/chico! exc: Goodness me, you seem to be driving exuberantly today 02 Mar ’21 >

wash horses v: Wash hair 02 Mar ’21 >

toasty bombola n: Heated car seat 02 Mar ’21 >

case case case exp: In any case 02 Mar ’21 >

sof adj: Like soft, but softer 02 Mar ’21 >

charge like a wounded bull v: Charge exorbitantly 02 Mar ’21 >

lie like a flatfish v: Tell extreme lies 02 Mar ’21 >

thank you Mrs Lowsborough Goosborough song: Thanks for nothing 02 Mar ’21 >

purple-headeds n: Mountains 02 Mar ’21 >

whackers n: Lies 02 Mar ’21 >

Feb ’21

bong n: Person defined by their location, role or relationship 28 Feb ’21 >

slimy ming fruit n: Avocado 28 Feb ’21 >

bobaligoo n: Boat fender 28 Feb ’21 >

blick auf exp: Wake up! 28 Feb ’21 >

bim n: Bowel movement 28 Feb ’21 >

big clock n: Thing to be coveted 28 Feb ’21 >

be told! exc: Don’t argue! 28 Feb ’21 >

Beezlebub n: Mispronunciation of Beelzebub 28 Feb ’21 >

basking hickory stick n: Lavatory bowl floater 28 Feb ’21 >

bagaloons n: Capacious knickers 27 Feb ’21 >

American seat n: A merry conceit 27 Feb ’21 >

it’s only me Naymee! exp: I am exercising my self-conferred right to enter your house without an invitation 27 Feb ’21 >

I takin’ my sack and my boots exp: I've had enough of this 26 Feb ’21 >

little teapots have big spouts exp: Let us continue this discussion later, when the children aren’t listening 26 Feb ’21 >

NQOTD exp: Not quite our type, darling 26 Feb ’21 >

breathe in, it’s good for you exp: Please cease complaining about this stinky farmyard 26 Feb ’21 >

dumsey-whumnuts adj: Rough, uneven, pitted (of roads) 24 Feb ’21 >

BKJ adj: Bright, keen & jolly 24 Feb ’21 >

bum of the flightle bee exp: Flight of the bumblebee, the Rimsky-Korsakov orchestral piece 22 Feb ’21 >

honker n: Goose 22 Feb ’21 >