Iliff-King phrasebook

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word/phrase of the day

I’m as old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth exp: Answer to the question “How old are you?” >

Like most families, we’ve accumulated an odd collection of words and sayings. For the fun of it, we’ve started writing them down.

Number of entries so far: 1,117

latest additions

Weston-super-Merde n: The unappealing Somerset seaside town Weston-super-Mare ● 29 Oct >

Penis van Lesbian n: The American entertainer, and byword for an atrocious Cockney accent, Dick van Dyke ● 29 Oct >

what’s that you’re almost wearing? exp: I consider your attire too scanty ● 29 Oct >

people who live in glass houses should undress in the dark exp: Variation on the proverb People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones ● 29 Oct >

flapnel n: Foreign paper money of little use after returning home ● 29 Oct >

slab-sided bottycrack n: Ugly bombastic SUV ● 29 Oct >

weps n: Wasp ● 30 Sep >

Mike Spilligan n: Spike Milligan, Irish comedian who wrote the Goon Show among other works ● 30 Sep >

jols n: Holidays ● 30 Sep >

land holding hands exp: When two aircraft land in sync on parallel runways ● 30 Sep >

allons le tout cochon exp: Let’s go the whole hog. Let us splash out on every optional extra ● 30 Sep >

myth of future availability exp: The condition where your diary for a few weeks ahead looks pretty empty, and you somehow believe that THIS TIME it won’t fill up before that week arrives ● 30 Sep >

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all entries

1-2-3 wash yourself, ducky!

a bob short of a quid

a boy is a boy…

a chill wind in the Trossachs

a crow, letting

a day late and a dollar short

a kangaroo loose in the top paddick

a light to lighten the genitals

a peach of a boat

a pint of water’s a pound and a quarter, except in US where it’s less

a spur to keep your prick inside your tent

a touch of the don’t-want-to-goes

aber eine wurst hatte zwei ende

add more lightness

affluence of incahol

aha, Rasputin, the mad monk, climbing up those Russian steppés!

ahiggit ahugget

air on a ringtone

all of a sudden a big black pudding came floating through the air

all the way round sir?

allons le tout cochon

and hadn’t we the gaeity at Phil the fluter’s ball

and his bum fell off and his bum fell off

and the band played Believe it if you like

another saucer of milk?

any more laid back, his bum would fall off

appalAchian contrOllay

are bears Catholic?

are we gentry or do we stack?

are you all sitty comfibowl two-square on your botty?

as innocent as a nun at a bus stop

as thick as an elephant bap

as your mummy say, you’ll grow into it

assumptions make an ass of ump and tions

Australian naming

avian fornication

babu peechi lal

Barley-sugar Legs

basking hickory stick

bathroom thought

bearded mushrooms

belten our tights

bet that’s cooled his biryani down a bit

betty swallocks

big organs run in the family

Biggles flies undone

Bildad the Shuhite

bingbongabangbang

black-coated workers

bloody great balloons

blue and green should never be seen except on a donkey’s back

Bob’s your parent’s sibling

boîte sur toit

bonbon ching gum caramel!

boom and scrunch

Brandywine Thistlebottom

breathe in, it’s good for you

bum of the flightle bee

bumpity bolliko (n)

bumpity-bolliko (adj)

but does it make toast?

buttons on a wall

by gum I’m stuck. What am I?

canned elephant’s prick

can’t get his tongue round his Rs

cash’n’flash

cast nasturtiums

catch a falling poo

chained to the oar of a magnificent galley

changed his 40 for two 20s and found he wasn’t wired for it

charge like a wounded bull

charming ladies

cheerum chorum chaw chocalorum

chill on the kidneys

chilli gone barmy

chocolate board

cigar-shaped aluminum tube in the sky

city of screaming tyres

clever people like me who talk loudly in restaurants

cock a deaf ’un

Columbo bladder

come to the cookhouse door, boys!

contrafibularities

contrived delights of LA

Copper Pisspot, The

couldn’t organise a black pudding

cover it over quick, Jemima!

crook and nanny

cuddly tick bird

cunsternoon afterble

curtains generation

da hoover’s broke

dance of the bogbrush fairies

dead, and never called me mother

delusions of adequacy

der dee twiddly, dee twiddly, dee botty-cracks

desecrated coconut

dial, face, mug, pan or mat

did you go to a christian boarding school?

diddle diddle dumpling, mice and John

didn’t want it ANYway!

do I have to eat the beak?

do not the gate

do you want me to write a letter?

don’t bandy legs with me

down the red lane!

dressed in the dark

dry as a Nullarbor rabbit

dumsey-whumnuts

early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead

early-onset rigor mortis

eh bien, merde alors

elephants and teaspoons

emPHAHsis on the wrong syllAHble

empty sugar bags

enough blue to make a pair of sailor’s trousers

espikkin wahds a weezdum

everybody’s got to be somewhere

eyes like pissholes in the snow

eyes on your own plate!

fall over blackwards

fart young smeller

fast thinking walk

Father Twiss-Twiss

fiat lux, a remark attributed to God

flaming brandinis

flappyfishogram

flat out, like a lizard drinking

flock of sparrows

floor sweepings

flopsam & jepsam

forgetty bowl of naise

foul infidel! Know you have trod on the toe of Abdul Abulbul Amir!

full-fat electricity

fundo-cubital dislocia

gawn awf and gawt lawst

gee what great looking kids – are they adopted?

gently, Bentley!

get aht t’road ye silly beggar!

get off and milk it!

get off home with you!

give every flying moment something to remember it by

go in the out exit

go swimming with the children

Goat Herders’ Guide to the Galaxy (or GHGTTG)

god rest you jerry mentlemen

Golliwog railway

good girl, Daddy

grabled exnaplation

graunty/gruncle

graveyard cough

Great Aunt Pottymouth

Grey Funnel Line

hand in one’s badge and gun

hands on – are you ready? – lift!

Harwich for the Continent, {Frinton} for the incontinent

hatches, matches and despatches

here’s a tanner each to go away

hey little horsey, don’t you stop

hey, Mr Squirrel, pull your pants up!

he’s got that round his neck

hiding behind the door when the brains were handed out

His Majesty’s Lunchbox

hoggry tiglets!

hoist on his/her/your own door-bomb

hold back my sleeve while I put my finger to my forehead

home again, home again, jiggedy jog

homeopathic vodka

horse droppings

horse’s douvers

hossi van tooty

hot bottyflosher

hot will grow cold, if greedy will wait

how’s your belly off for spots?

hypodemic nerdle

I can walk from here

I could have cooked at home

I did not know that death had undone so many

I don’t boil my cabbages twice

I don’t want to play this game any more

I expect nothing. I fear nothing. I am free.

I have had an elegant sufficiency

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons

I laughed until I stopped

I lift up my finger and I say tweet tweet

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by

I need trepanning like a hole in the head

I only dropped them once

I remember being in Scotland

I saw Esau sitting an a seesaw

I see said the blind man as he walked into a lampost

I takin’ my sack and my boots

I thought we were having a PSA

I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki

I wanna beetroot

I want gets nothing

I want to watch me daddy pee

I was a fool to think the old Percy was dead

I would as lief ’erd ‘ens

idées au dessus de son gare

if he fell into basin full of boobs he’d come out sucking his thumb

if I could walk that way I wouldn’t need the talcum powder

if I wasn’t a gunner I wouldn’t be here

if UCP on tripe don’t eat it

if you can’t help don’t hinder

if you can’t trivialise it it’s not worth saying

if you enjoyed it half as much...

if you get there first, draw a chalk line; if I get there first, I’ll rub it out

if you have been, thank you for listening

if you’re up that way with your teeth

imaginary friend

in all my born days

in days gone by

in heated agreement

in the beginning there was nothing, which exploded

in the nothings

insa fishy tarn o’ da coont

is it not passing fair to be a King and ride in triumph through Persepolis?

is that it? Your joke of the week?

it gives me the pip

it has a better chance now

it was in the last place I looked

it’s a fair cop, but society is to blame

it’s been a bad year for Scottish hill farmers

it’s just an if-statement

it’s no skin off my teeth

it’s not rocket surgery

it’s only a trifle said the monkey

it’s only me Naymee!

it’s the water

it’s worse than the ticktolleroo

I’ll give you jingle jangle!

I’ll have the other half now

I’ll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion

I’m as old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth

I’m taking it back

I’ve got my big eating hat on!

Japanese jibble-jobs

Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey!

Jo-Jo le Plongeur

jolly hockey sticks

Kensington Village Hall

King Midas has ass’s ears

kiss me WHAT‽

knock it on the head

kom bibi, bibi!

ladies of negotiable affection

land holding hands

land of hopeless Tories

lapsang shoepong

law of diminishing astonishment

le chien retourne a son propre vomissement

le grand fromage lui-même

leave it to cook

left hand down a bit

let my son have the ball!

Lethal Festival

let’s find out, shall we?

let’s put the roof on first

lie like a flatfish

light a candle to Saint Anthony

like a goanna up a gum tree

like Lot’s wife

like the fat lady – all behind

listen to the silence!

little birdie flying high

little teapots have big spouts

long may your big jib draw

looks like you’ve been working on it for eight hours

Lord Jesus hangs on a peg. Which peg does he hang on?

lumpy ming fruit

Ma son’s a prawn

madman in the attic

Maggie Murphy’s please park prettily

make friends in cookhouse

makes your eyebrows sweat

man is not lost

Mangerton (going)

Marcus Aurelius

may your wheels turn square and your petrol turn to water!

melon pee, come right here, come to the cookhouse door boys

mental microwave

Milly-Molly-Mandy house

mimsy-mumblechumps

Ministry of Tidy Folk

Ministry of Tidy Ruins

misread between the lines

Miss/Master Flum Bum

more of a meal than a drink

most highly flavoured gravy

move your lips!

Mr Brown upstairs smoking

Mrs McGillicuddy

muchos cocineros chica/chico!

Mulligan’s Tyres

my aunt, having made a telephone call, is feeling very much better

my back, my belly and my two sides

my colleague of the sandpit

my wife’s wedding anniversary

myth of future availability

named after famous letters of the alphabet

nice parking job, big guy!

Nissan Dormobile

no bones in it!

no one knows me in Melbourne, so it doesn’t matter what I wear. Everyone knows me in Yarragon, so it doesn’t matter what I wear!

no use to man or dog

no, it was a new one

no, it’s just the way I’m breathing

North Pole, duty penguin

north-south-west

not much of anything, but well and truly elegant

now mighty Caesar turned to clay might stop a wall to keep the wind away

now the weather turns quite dirty and the clock it strikes five-thirty

oddfather/oddmother

oh dear… how sad… never mind

Oh Nicholas, don’t be so ridiculous

oi’m a moinah

on pots hooray!

on the way to Meeting, I saw a butterfly and it reminded me of God

One I love, Two I love, Three I love, I say

one more shirt will do me

one up, one down, one polisher

one-legged Santa at an arse kicking party

open the breach and fire the gun

optical illusion, man!

optometrist method

ordinary Australian tea

our friend who travels on his belly

P silent, as in bathing

palanquin hee, palanquin ho

pas de freinage violent inutile

pasteurised is best

pee shilling toosh

peelywally baggie

Penis van Lesbian

people who live in glass houses should undress in the dark

percussive maintenance

pick a note or go home

pick up fag-ends

piece of chelief

pitiless bottom

politician’s syllogism

Pomp & Circumstance

Poppa Piccolino

popular beat combo

practise beforehand which ruins the fun

proceed directly to the scene of the accident

punctuality is a politeness of kings

pune or play on words

put fur/hair round it!

put it away – nothing wrong with it

put the lumps in the gravy

Pyongyang Tower

rabbit of negative euphoria

rattle your dags!

rent to the ideal

richtigetonneohnenachbarnprüfenstolz

Rickety Rackety Bridge

Riding to Llandudno on a charabanc…

Rockin’ Goose

rough as a badger

run around to get wet

said Aunt Helga

samting, nating

Santa Masakeena

shabby and miscellaneous

shit in one sock

short arms, deep pockets

showing all you possess

shut up and give your arse a chance

Silliam William

SLAB DISH PIG GUFF

slab-sided bottycrack

slap it in the middle and we’ll all get a bit

slimy ming fruit

smells like coffee, looks like cocoa

Smoky Tree, the

snortelly snips

snotty gobbles (or snot block)

some people really work at being miserable

sound as a pound

spacemen drop-off

spanish Tourette’s

sparkling plugs

splash and dash

splash me boots!

squabble & beak

squashed fly biscuits

Stephen Physics

Stirling Moss, chica/chico!

straight-straight-straight

stuck in me clack

stumps (or call stumps)

subtropical swimming paradise

sun, sea, sand and, er…, palms

susu bilong bulmacow

swing-door face

tabitha-twitchit

take the smooth with the rough

takes the skin off your teeth

tall, dark and handsome… and slightly out of focus

tasting diamonds

teaching wolves to chase sledges

tell it not in Gath

testiculae loquans

thalassa! thalassa!

thank you Mrs Lowsborough Goosborough

that man did smack me with a needle!

that’s an acquired taste: you either like it or you don’t

that’s easy for you to say

that’s pissed on me chips!

that’s small onions

that’s the badger!

that’s your shauri!

the artist is making a joke

the blind Doges of Venice

the camels are coming hurrah, hurrah!

the crow makes wing to th’ rooky wood

the customer is always the customer

the door’s not shut on my genius but…

the full catastrophe

the good ship Slap-it-with-a-ruler

the job’s a good ’un

the Marmalade Bush

the nut holding the steering wheel

the telephone upon the wall

the value of your investment can fall as well as plummet

The Whizzer There Was

then on Friday… no, tell a lie, it was the Saturday

there are gazelles in the thicket

there was a young man of Tralee

there we are then!

there’s a ghost, there’s a ghost, throw a flannel at its face!

there’s no show without Punch

they are curlews of the fenland!

they’ll never sell ice creams at that speed

those are not bananas, they’re plantains

three ha’p’orth of gawd help us

tight as a crab’s arse under water

time to put clothes on

Tinkwinky Teapot

tisswiss for Mummy

toed in the hole

tolerably early night

trifle, trifle come and get an eyeful

turn the knob on your side

two minutes’ silence for the joke that just died

underneath-th-th

uninvited guest at every conversation

unmatched pointer

up to a point, Lord Copper

varia cum fortuna

Village People parking

visitors! Not visitors AGAIN!

Vladdy the Baddy

vulture capitalist

warned in a dream

warning-warning

washing machine

we are the cockyolly birds all red and green and gold

we know a song about that, don’t we?

we won’t have to go to Wales now I brung yer ’ere

well and truly sought after

well that barrel didn’t need scraping

Weston-super-Merde

we’ve squeezed the goodness out of that

what a day dad had!

what a fall of royalty!

what about a water bottle Wattle?

what has it got in its pocketses?

what mind is here o’erthrown

what will you have? said the waiter

what’s that you’re almost wearing?

whearr be ye to?

when a man is tired of Bracknell…

when I was a little girl like you…

when you get to the final, you win

where we have been no-one shall find, For not a trace have we left behind

where we have been, no-one can tell

where’s the yucky bowl?

which is why I’m bothering telling you so

which wind begins with F?

while you’re on your feet…

whipper snipper

who’s going round the roundabout?

who’s “she” – the cat’s mother?

william-nilliam

wishywashy place

with two plombs

wi’ oor knickers hangin’ doon

wo der Kaiser zu fuss geht

word association football

words of advice concerning sex and travel

worms’ boggin’ holes

yam all right our kid?

yellow is mellow, but if it’s brown flush it down

Yizanastikov the Russian

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You are very ugly today, Pa/Ma Ubu!

you can go off people

you can never be happier than your unhappiest child

you can see the strings

you daft ha’p’orth!

you may walk down the garden to pick corn, but you must run back!

you must give me the recipe

you with wobbly bottoms, climbing up that tree

your egg’s broken

your tiny hand is frozen!

you’ll have it dark!

you’ve all done very well

yow cor wack it

yuckerypoogens!

zizzer-zoof seeds

inclusion criteria

Nothing particularly strict, really. Just looking for words and phrases that are used more than never by Mark & Naomi and their relatives (personal insults and bad swears aside, of course: if you’re looking for terms like Fingers Forder or motherforker you won’t find them here, oh deary me no).

Terms in general usage don’t really belong, unless used with a particular twist. Regional expressions, on the other hand, are great – the weirder the better.

“Family” includes Baineses, Bouwers, Burns, Claydons, Collards, Dixons, Ellis-Kings, Evelyns, Gallaghers, Gordons, Harrisons, Harrison-Bouwers, Healiffs, Healys, Hugheses, Iliffs, Janeses, Kings, King-Sheards, Macarthurs, Mazes, Quintons, Taggarts, Tomatoes, Westerhoffs… and anyone else who can stand the shame.

how to contribute

If you are able to improve an existing entry, or just have a comment to make, use the comment facility¹ (bottom of each word page).

If you have one or two submissions, send them to Mark. If you have lots, let him know and he’ll set you up with an editor account.

¹Apologies if you find it closed. It seems curiously attractive to vandals, who have made over 1,600 unsuccessful attempts to get in (and none successful).

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